Day 17
Brought an argument of insane proportions - telling my other half how shit I constantly felt. I dont know if he even said what I think he did or if I've just turned a light hearted comment into feeling like shit. That day I only ate 2 crumpets and a portion of chips, miserably failed in a driving lesson and spent most of the day in tears wishing I was either thinner or dead. Thought the relationship was going to end and that was enough to tip me over the edge.
Day 18
I didnt really do anything all day. I kept myself to myself - avoided drinking and tried to sort my head out. Had a meeting around 3 so was away from home and didn't eat much - Also had a summer wardrove disaster as in... I have no clothes. In the evening I went to my best friends leaving do - she's moving abroad so that was... emotional to say the least. Drank a few too many mojitos, ate quesidillias (why do they give you so many?!) and chips while my overly loving other half had steak. He's trying so hard to make me feel better and I think he gets that I go a bit mental when he says anything slightly derogatory.
Day 19
Ate toast in the morning... Can't really remember. Went to a clients house about a lucrative job in October then headed to the indian to celebrate. Ate too much. Gone back to puking between courses. Its really effective. Gets more out... And leaves space :)
Day 20
Had to work - ate 12 chips for breakfast then had sandwiches and crips for dinner plus 4 glasses of champange. I hate eating cold food for dinner. Strange feeling. Went back to my other halves and made him cheesey pasta for work the next day - I had a few mouthfuls then resorted to shit food. Crisps, chocolate biscuits and squash. Fat bitch.
Day 21
I didnt do anything much all day. Breakfast... Vegetables, egg and toast. Biiiig bike ride again. Felt good but I've cut up my legs again - pedal bit into my legs when I hit a ditch.
I had a cheese toasty for lunch... bleurgh. Drank vodka and a vile mix of port, vodka, WKD and rose that I found tucked under my bed. Made me quite ill. Thank god eh? When I got to boyfs I had a jacket potato. Felt really ill so got rid of that then woke up in the morning around 4am feeling like death - stabby stomach ache etc. I hope its the dodgy drink. It might be because I'm fucking my stomach again and its IBS fighting back with a passion.
Day 22
At work I ate 2 cuppa soups, couscous and a packet of crisps. With 2 frappachinos and alot of sicking.
At home I made a lovely risotto - ate too much obviously because I'm a retard and love feeling like if I dont puke I'll die.
Had a little watch of supersize vs super skinny. I've swung between a size 6 and a size 16. I'm eating less now than I did when I was at my smallest. Wish I could control my compulsive eating and be a normal happy size but it seems no matter how big or small I am I'm never happy with my figure.
At the moment I'm throwing up around 4 times a day which is nothing like as bad as it used to be and I seem to have lost the routine I once had. It used to be a ritual.
My father pointed out my ritualised eating. I never eat everything randomly. If I eat a varied meal I eat one section at a time. Even when I mix food together I do it methodically and then eat from the edge of the plate across and in - never from the middle. I cant leave a plate with food on it with out feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Eating colour by colour, not mixing foods, changing quantities, hating cold food as a meal, having to drink while I eat, being protective over my food... Fucking all sorts. Seems pointless - it all comes up the same colour.
Maybe I should head back to my NLP lady. Get her to sort my compulsive eating rather than just fight the purging. Should have finished te course in the first place not left - running away with a trace of disorder left - hiding it so I could call on it and build it if I ever wanted it back.
Silly girl.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Day 10-16
What a fucking mess.
Where do I begin?
Day 10 I cant even remember.
Day 11 - I went out for 2 meetings, shared 3 bottles of wine and an italian mezze of starters at a restaurant. Too much - very creamy and I remember getting rid of it all as soon as possible. This turned into around 6 bottles of cider. How disgusting.
Day 12 - April Fools day - really couldnt be bothered to do anything - was at work so couldnt get out for exercise. Went to see my friend in the evening and again drank too much wine and ate too much chinese. Vommmm
Day 13 - Woke up late, ran home, got changed and went straight to a party where I ate a gorgeous falafel and halumi burger. And drank half a litre of rum before getting into a fight and being driven home. What a mess.
Day 14 - Ran a workshop from 11-6. Had a healthy ish breakfast of poached eggs, vegetables, gluten free toast. Then shared tapas and threw up. No exercise again. Feeling rough.
Day 15 - Intended to pole dance but couldnt make the class - theres not much point really is there? I'm a fucking whale.
Incase you couldnt tell... its that slightly hormonal time of the month....
Day 16 - Worked all day then headed to town to see a friend - had a cider and 2 glasses of wine and left. During the day ate 3 cans of sweet corn, snackajacks and a rice salad. Then had mini cheddars on the way home to soak up some booze.
So not doing very well am I?
Ok - lets start again.
Will weigh myself tonight and try and get back on this weightloss horse
Even though right now there's no point - its not going to work. I'm never going to be thin again unless I develop self control or sew up my fat fucking lips.
Where do I begin?
Day 10 I cant even remember.
Day 11 - I went out for 2 meetings, shared 3 bottles of wine and an italian mezze of starters at a restaurant. Too much - very creamy and I remember getting rid of it all as soon as possible. This turned into around 6 bottles of cider. How disgusting.
Day 12 - April Fools day - really couldnt be bothered to do anything - was at work so couldnt get out for exercise. Went to see my friend in the evening and again drank too much wine and ate too much chinese. Vommmm
Day 13 - Woke up late, ran home, got changed and went straight to a party where I ate a gorgeous falafel and halumi burger. And drank half a litre of rum before getting into a fight and being driven home. What a mess.
Day 14 - Ran a workshop from 11-6. Had a healthy ish breakfast of poached eggs, vegetables, gluten free toast. Then shared tapas and threw up. No exercise again. Feeling rough.
Day 15 - Intended to pole dance but couldnt make the class - theres not much point really is there? I'm a fucking whale.
Incase you couldnt tell... its that slightly hormonal time of the month....
Day 16 - Worked all day then headed to town to see a friend - had a cider and 2 glasses of wine and left. During the day ate 3 cans of sweet corn, snackajacks and a rice salad. Then had mini cheddars on the way home to soak up some booze.
So not doing very well am I?
Ok - lets start again.
Will weigh myself tonight and try and get back on this weightloss horse
Even though right now there's no point - its not going to work. I'm never going to be thin again unless I develop self control or sew up my fat fucking lips.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Day 7 - 9
Today we went for another bike ride to see our prospective house then came back for sunday lunch - which for me was cheesey leeks, over cooked vegetables and gorgeous roast potatos, nice enough but too fattening to keep in sadly. As was breakfast. We drove to the hotel we'll be staying for the next few days. My other half had to work so I spent the evening binging on room service and watching Tv as the gym shut early on a sunday.
I had got on the scales in the morning and discovered that I had lost 2 pounds. Great two fucking pounds and I'm still a whale with slightly tighter thighs. I changed into 'sexy undies' while my other half was at work. I looked in the mirror at my bulging white flesh, spilling over the edge of the slightly too tight girly underwear. When I'm skinny I'll bring them out again - but there is nothing girly or attractive about stretch marks and rolls. When he came back (early) I was still in my PJ's - I intended to take them off and hide under the duvet til he returned but it didnt happen like that. He was knackered so the naughty evening in didnt happen. Am I surprised? He comes home expecting his sexy misses and he sees unmade up slobby me. I felt so unattractive - I don't want to bitch about him but I really needed some affection and it just wasn't there. Sad times.
Day 8
The next morning we had a pretty lovely filthy one after breakfast. Breakfast was included in the room so it'd be rude not to pig out on the buffet (£12 per day!) I chowed down beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, a fried egg, yogurt, fruit and a cup of tea before making my polite excuses. Trampy.
We spent the day leisurely heading the gym and completing 1500 metres on the rowing machine - and I've pulled a muscle somewhere in the rib region. We had a swim (turns out I really can't fucking swim at all. Doggy Paddles about my limit)and I endured the steam room (feels like burning alive). For dinner we went to a lovely little country pub where I had a gooooorgeous veggie lasanga with salad, onion rings and chips. Stopped at the halfway mark, emptied my stomach and carried on before emptying again. Trick is with that to drink as much as possible while eating - a pint of tap water with a meal lubes up your meal. That way its easier to get rid off, comes up nice and easy and helps mush everything together so you dont have the sharp edges that give you a sore throat. Magical.
After dinner we headed back the hotel and had a quickie which must have burnt the last remaining calories... maybe...
Day 9
We're back now and apart from another oversized vomitable breakfast, a scone and a few marshmellows I havent eaten - still more than I should have. Dinner will no doubt will be fat laden - barf.
Tomorrow I'll go back to healthy eating and exercise - This (long) weekend was over indulgent and when you go away its so hard to keep up good habits and so easy to slip into bad ones.
So, tomorrow I'm going to get up early, walk or cycle into town, pick up my new glasses, have a driving lesson, eat a shit load of vegetables and behave myself. Hopefully. I have a pub date and a dinner date this week with a friend and a photographer I worked with - I bought her dinner last time so this time dinners on her. Its kind of my money so I guess I can misbehave a little...
Until tomorrow...
I had got on the scales in the morning and discovered that I had lost 2 pounds. Great two fucking pounds and I'm still a whale with slightly tighter thighs. I changed into 'sexy undies' while my other half was at work. I looked in the mirror at my bulging white flesh, spilling over the edge of the slightly too tight girly underwear. When I'm skinny I'll bring them out again - but there is nothing girly or attractive about stretch marks and rolls. When he came back (early) I was still in my PJ's - I intended to take them off and hide under the duvet til he returned but it didnt happen like that. He was knackered so the naughty evening in didnt happen. Am I surprised? He comes home expecting his sexy misses and he sees unmade up slobby me. I felt so unattractive - I don't want to bitch about him but I really needed some affection and it just wasn't there. Sad times.
Day 8
The next morning we had a pretty lovely filthy one after breakfast. Breakfast was included in the room so it'd be rude not to pig out on the buffet (£12 per day!) I chowed down beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, a fried egg, yogurt, fruit and a cup of tea before making my polite excuses. Trampy.
After dinner we headed back the hotel and had a quickie which must have burnt the last remaining calories... maybe...
Day 9
We're back now and apart from another oversized vomitable breakfast, a scone and a few marshmellows I havent eaten - still more than I should have. Dinner will no doubt will be fat laden - barf.
Tomorrow I'll go back to healthy eating and exercise - This (long) weekend was over indulgent and when you go away its so hard to keep up good habits and so easy to slip into bad ones.
So, tomorrow I'm going to get up early, walk or cycle into town, pick up my new glasses, have a driving lesson, eat a shit load of vegetables and behave myself. Hopefully. I have a pub date and a dinner date this week with a friend and a photographer I worked with - I bought her dinner last time so this time dinners on her. Its kind of my money so I guess I can misbehave a little...
Until tomorrow...
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Day 4, 5 & 6
On Wednesday night I skipped dinner and had 2 overly sweet cocktails then had
vodka and orange & cranberry mixers all night. I hope that the fruity non
wine drinks didn’t add up to more than dinner would have and I wish the club
had been more ‘banging’ so that I could have danced off at least one of the
drinks. Had a pint of water when I got in and didn’t feel too bad the next day.
was quite healthy, balancing vegetables, gluten free toast and another cycle
ride – a mile lap then a ride into and back from town burning around 350
calories I think. In the evening I went to meet a friend – a certified wine
snob (in a good way)! We drank around 4 glasses of wine each and had a pub
dinner of veggie burger and chips and shared a side of onion rings. Yeh – real healthy.
Being the disgusting human regugitator that I am I got rid of a lot of it. I
paid for dinner so I didn’t feel too bad for doing it. When someone has bought
you dinner and you literally chuck it in a toilet it makes you feel like a
cheating, ungrateful bitch. After this I experienced more exercise than I
bargained for when after walking to my other half’s house I realised that he
was not there and had to walk the same distance again, tipsy and in the dark to
his friends house. In what I thought were ‘comfy heels’ should have checked
that before wearing the blistering little fuckers.
hell was going on. I ended up being violently ill all morning, my stomach emptied from both ends (attractive, no?). Couldn’t eat a thing! Everything that went in came straight back up! By midday I was feeling a little better and went for another country bike ride – the fresh air definitely doing me some good although totally washed out and feeling very out of energy making hills hard. The fact that the bike I was riding was not my own didn’t help, it was so small I felt like I was cycling from the knees rather than using my whole leg and the gears seemed to change of their own accord so for most hills I just dragged the bike up and walked! At the end of the walk I stopped, had a pint of cider then
flew down hill all the way home which was dreamy!
locked out my house and miserably decided that fast food was the key to
cheering myself up so as well as a small jacket potato with peas and beans I
had chips, beans and coleslaw. All expelled pretty much straight away. Nice to see that I’m not going back to my dirty old ways.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Day 3 - No rest for the wicked
Well last night could have been worse although after finding no squash in the house I reverted to wine. I was cooked a mushroom, sweetccorn and quorn pie with a splash of cheese sauce which probably out weighed all my good work during the day (3 cans of sweetcorn, couscous and a few oatcakes). How ever after heading to my other halfs to cook him packed lunch for work I ended up licking the cheese sauce spoon a few too many times - plus he didnt eat al his lunch from yesterday so it was tempting top polish that off but we gave it to the dogs.
This morning I headed over by bike to work, had a iced coffee and a sandwich and caught up with the girls in the office. All that milk was too much and the sandwich alone was 400 calories so got rid of that straight away.
Continued to cycle off-road home which was a ride and a half, hills, ditches, high gears, my thighs are burning but it feels pretty darn good.
A calorie counter told me that BMX or mountain biking for 1 hour burns 550 calories but some of the ride was on road (around 10-15mph) and that for an hour only burns 300 so a happy medium I suppose of around 400 calories burned is a good thing.
Before drinking a litre of water (my skin looks like shit this week) I jumped on the scales and still weigh exactly 11stone. Fuck my life. Surely there is a better time to weigh yourself to make it a lower average weight?! Please?!
According to Medicinenet.com.....
This morning I headed over by bike to work, had a iced coffee and a sandwich and caught up with the girls in the office. All that milk was too much and the sandwich alone was 400 calories so got rid of that straight away.
Continued to cycle off-road home which was a ride and a half, hills, ditches, high gears, my thighs are burning but it feels pretty darn good.
A calorie counter told me that BMX or mountain biking for 1 hour burns 550 calories but some of the ride was on road (around 10-15mph) and that for an hour only burns 300 so a happy medium I suppose of around 400 calories burned is a good thing.
Before drinking a litre of water (my skin looks like shit this week) I jumped on the scales and still weigh exactly 11stone. Fuck my life. Surely there is a better time to weigh yourself to make it a lower average weight?! Please?!
According to Medicinenet.com.....
- Weighing yourself first thing in the morning is usually best. Because of variations in food and fluid consumption, we often "gain" different amounts of weight throughout the day.
Well... I fucked that up didn't I?
- If you're weighing frequently, remember that daily fluctuations in weight are common. Just because you're heavier today than yesterday doesn't mean your weight control program isn't working. Don't become a slave to the numbers.
- Monthly variations in weight are also common in menstruating women.
Great, we have periods, child birth and will get fatter once a month. Cheers mother nature.
- "Plateaus" in weight loss aren't necessarily bad. If you're exercising a lot, your weight may remain constant for a time even though you're still decreasing your body fat content and getting healthier.
I want to lose weight! I don't want to be fat and healthy!
- Finally, cues other than the numbers on the scale are equally important. How do you feel? Are your clothes getting looser or tighter? Do you feel stronger, healthier, leaner? Your own perceptions can be the most valuable tools to help you track your weight control progress.
I'm knackered and my legs and arse ache (saddles are comfy you know!) but I am quite proud that I am finally getting some exercise.
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Day 2
Jesus - why is changing your diet so fricking hard?!
Yesterday during the day I did so well and was all healthy. Then in the evening I headed to my boyfriends. He asked me to make him packed lunch for today and his dinner was already waiting for him on the side - some sort of mince chili with a jacket potato - being vegetarian there was nothing for me. He's trying to beef up at the moment so I'm feeding him lots of pasta. Problem is I LOVE PASTA!!
So last night I made him a big tub of pasta, mixed it with garlic and herb philidelphia and siphoned off the extra for myself mixed with a tonne of peas and green beans, defrosted and microwaved with a large clove of garlic.
Obviously I had alot less creamy-cheesey crap on my dinner but still... how can I leave pasta out of my diet?!
So depressing. Anyway - I guess that works out to around 500 calories so my calorie count yesterday (minus a hundred or so for the exercise) was around 1000. Too much if I want to lose a substantial amout.
I'm not sure what my plans are this evening but preferably they will avoid bloody carbs.
This morning on my way to work I whizzed to Sainsburys and picked up a melon and grape fruit salad for breakfast (120 cals), cous cous (100grams cooked is 112 cals) to mix with tinned sweetcorn (around 100 cals drained) and a tub of soup (112 cals per 600grams) incase I change my mind.
Ususally by now I would have got through at least one packet of mini snack-a-jacks, possibly skips and a treat of some nature.
I'm kind of craving a Tracker Bar - I think they are made by Mars though so I assume they have more calories in them than I should really consume in a day, however Special K's cereal bars are 90 calories a bar but really I dont want to go over 200 cals per meal so it is a tough call.
Mars Chocolate Chip Tracker Bars Calories and Nutrition per Serving (1 Serving=1 Bar/37g)
Calories 174
Protein 2.6
Carbohydrate 22.6
Fat 8.1
Fibre 0
Alcohol 0
And my mum used to call tracker bars healthy....
Kellogg's Special K Chocolate Chip Bar Calories and Nutrition per Serving (1 Serving=1 Bar/23g)
Calories 92
Protein 2.1
Carbohydrate 17.5
Fat 1.6
Fibre 0.3
Alcohol 0
All this talk of food is making me hungry... Bottle of water to fight off the cravings!!
Yesterday during the day I did so well and was all healthy. Then in the evening I headed to my boyfriends. He asked me to make him packed lunch for today and his dinner was already waiting for him on the side - some sort of mince chili with a jacket potato - being vegetarian there was nothing for me. He's trying to beef up at the moment so I'm feeding him lots of pasta. Problem is I LOVE PASTA!!
So last night I made him a big tub of pasta, mixed it with garlic and herb philidelphia and siphoned off the extra for myself mixed with a tonne of peas and green beans, defrosted and microwaved with a large clove of garlic.
Obviously I had alot less creamy-cheesey crap on my dinner but still... how can I leave pasta out of my diet?!
So depressing. Anyway - I guess that works out to around 500 calories so my calorie count yesterday (minus a hundred or so for the exercise) was around 1000. Too much if I want to lose a substantial amout.
I'm not sure what my plans are this evening but preferably they will avoid bloody carbs.
This morning on my way to work I whizzed to Sainsburys and picked up a melon and grape fruit salad for breakfast (120 cals), cous cous (100grams cooked is 112 cals) to mix with tinned sweetcorn (around 100 cals drained) and a tub of soup (112 cals per 600grams) incase I change my mind.
 |
| Sainsburys carrot and corriander - 114 calories |
 |
| The Green Giant is a good friend to me. I love peas and sweetcorn! |
Ususally by now I would have got through at least one packet of mini snack-a-jacks, possibly skips and a treat of some nature.
I'm kind of craving a Tracker Bar - I think they are made by Mars though so I assume they have more calories in them than I should really consume in a day, however Special K's cereal bars are 90 calories a bar but really I dont want to go over 200 cals per meal so it is a tough call.
Calories 174
Protein 2.6
Carbohydrate 22.6
Fat 8.1
Fibre 0
Alcohol 0
And my mum used to call tracker bars healthy....
Kellogg's Special K Chocolate Chip Bar Calories and Nutrition per Serving (1 Serving=1 Bar/23g)
Calories 92
Protein 2.1
Carbohydrate 17.5
Fat 1.6
Fibre 0.3
Alcohol 0
All this talk of food is making me hungry... Bottle of water to fight off the cravings!!
Monday, 21 March 2011
DAY 1 - Lunch
Most of my posts will not be this regular - mainly because I am usually very busy doing various work tasks - but today is a day off.
Apparently my cycle ride burnt around 400 calories. So there goes breakfast!
So after my cycle ride I made a lovely healthy lunch.
Cous cous with steamed veg.
I used:
2 Carrots
2 quorn fillets
1 sweet pepper
1/2 red onion
handful of frozen green beans and sweet corn
I steamed the veg and quorn together then mixed tomato pasata with garlic, half a red onion, pepper and mixed herbs, I let this heat up then threw in the cous cous and mixed. Cous cous can be quite bland hence the need for a nice bit of flavour!
Using http://caloriecount.about.com/ I think I've had around 350 calories in my lunch.
And because I'm gross I'll puke at least 100 of those calories.
Apparently my cycle ride burnt around 400 calories. So there goes breakfast!
So after my cycle ride I made a lovely healthy lunch.
Cous cous with steamed veg.
I used:
2 Carrots
2 quorn fillets
1 sweet pepper
1/2 red onion
handful of frozen green beans and sweet corn
I steamed the veg and quorn together then mixed tomato pasata with garlic, half a red onion, pepper and mixed herbs, I let this heat up then threw in the cous cous and mixed. Cous cous can be quite bland hence the need for a nice bit of flavour!
Using http://caloriecount.about.com/ I think I've had around 350 calories in my lunch.
And because I'm gross I'll puke at least 100 of those calories.
Day 1 - A new dawn!
It's a new day and a new dawn.
If I'm honest this little stint has been kickstarted by my other half pestering me since December to shift some weight. I'm hoping that if I do kick some pounds he'll be happier with me and I'll be happier within myself. Being a compulsive eater and terrified of being the bulimic wreck I once was I have let myself gain weight and become miserable in myself. I know that I have a great figure and I know how to work curves to my advantage - people are always telling me how good I look but I just don't feel it. Looking in the mirror every morning is a depressing start to the day.
Size 14 is not fat - that's not what I'm telling people.
I'm not the new Kenneth Tong but I can't handle feeling this unattractive anymore.
Today @ 11:30
I weigh 11 stone
I have smoked 3 Marlborough lights
For breakfast I have blended 2 pears, 1 apple, 2 slices of lemon and a spoonful of honey with water.
That works out at around 300 calories but with little or no fat.
I am now going to cycle to the supermarket and back for more vegetable supplies!
The Mission
The mission is to feel more attractive, become more healthy, lose 2 stone and love my body.
I am 5 foot 6
I weigh 154 pounds
and my BMI is 24.9 - 0.1 away from being officially overweight. Gaaah!!
I aim to be 5 foot 6
I aim to weigh 126 pounds (9 stone)
And I aim for my BMI to be 20.4
And I have 2 months to complete this task in.
I have here to note the progress, I have good friends who know about healthy weightloss (and a few that have gone a bit crazy with it to keep me in check) and a goal.
Here we go!
I am 5 foot 6
I weigh 154 pounds
and my BMI is 24.9 - 0.1 away from being officially overweight. Gaaah!!
I aim to be 5 foot 6
I aim to weigh 126 pounds (9 stone)
And I aim for my BMI to be 20.4
And I have 2 months to complete this task in.
I have here to note the progress, I have good friends who know about healthy weightloss (and a few that have gone a bit crazy with it to keep me in check) and a goal.
Here we go!
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